The New Year has arrived and like all the previous new years before it, I find myself reflecting on the past while looking forward to the future, the year ahead. This new year ahead promises to be full of change and most of all, a fresh start.
I guess that's what we all love about a new year; it's a fresh start, a chance to make changes and improvements in ourselves and our lives...a "do-over" of sorts. I always have a hard time trying to decide on a new year's resolution, especially since it seems as though there are numerous things I have to improve on, or change about myself. The thing is, why should we pick only one? Shouldn't we choose to fix the multiple things about ourselves that we don't like, or should do differently?
This new year is almost the half-way point of Nate's deployment, as his estimated return is sometime in July. As much as the past few months have flown by, I find myself exhausted at the fact that I have another 6 months of single parenthood ahead of me filled with all of my responsibilities. Somehow, the thought of taking on a new year's resolution is quite overwhelming.
At the end of each year, news channels recap the events of the past twelve months, highlighting the trials and tribulations of the world, the triumphs and the disasters that have affected and influenced our history. I too have had the chance to reflect on not only the past year, but the past 7 years I've known my husband, and the course of our relationship, our marriage, and the growth of our family. As the end of this past year faded behind me, and the start of the new year neared, I realized all of the things I wish I had done differently and the various aspect of myself and my life that I want to make changes to, mostly myself. It's amazing how much time you have to think about things, when you're the only adult in the house (aside from watching endless hours of nick jr. with your kids). I found that without my husband to bicker with, or talk to, that I talk to myself, or find myself thinking out loud, as if to drown out the silence and loneliness.
Being alone has made me realize how much I despise it. Sayings such as "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "you never know what you have 'till it's gone" seem to resound in my mind and hit home, not because it's so common, but because it's true.
Nate's absence has been devastatingly lonely and sometimes even sad, but also good. It's forced me to realize more about myself than I'd care to quite frankly. I realize that I wasn't the best wife, friend or confidant that he deserved, that I wasn't often enough as kind or loving as I should have been. I've had time to look at myself and who I am, and how the things I want to change have nothing to do with weight loss, or bad habits, but more with my own self and the person I want to be.
And so, my resolution(s) this year are multiple: I want to be a better wife, mother, friend and overall person. Because in truth, I AM that person underneath it all, I just lot myself along the way, and finally found myself again. In his absence, I've found that I AM independent, strong, capable, intelligent, loving, and wise. With this new year ahead of me, I know that I have the next six months to work on myself and my life, and hopefully welcome Nate home to the home he knows, and the wife and mother he loves....and I can't wait.
