Blue is one of my favorite colors and always has been. It was also my grandmother Evelyn's favorite color as well. In fact, whenever I think of her, I always remember all of the various things she owned that were blue: a sofa, an old apron, a Sunday dress, even her carpet in her house was a pale powder blue shade that was soothing, comforting, familiar.
Blue is a color that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was a child growing up in Papua New Guinea, I experienced the blue ocean of the pacific. As a teenager I owned a pale blue Toyota Celica, and later on, discovered that "blue" was a part of me as a person, in the form of depression. I've never really been able to escape the hold that blue has had on my life and circumstances. This time of the year is by far the worst for me, as my inner self experiences the annual "winter blues" as they're called.
Winter, by it's very definition is just that: cold, blue, and empty, void of any warmth. I noticed it today vividly, as I stood outside in the cold, attempting to appreciate the beauty of the snow and realizing I was distracted by how blue it looked. It literally seemed as though there were no place where the sky began, and the snow ended. After I stared at it for a few moments, I felt as though my eyes were being seared by the intensity of the electric blue reflection of the sky upon the snow. I was suddenly chilled beyond words, and felt the need to run inside to the yellow glow of my house, to the warmth that I would find inside.
Depression unfortunately, isn't always seasonal. For some of us it's a cold, empty feeling that is ever present, no matter what time of year. It's feeling alone in a room full of people, cold when you're near the warmest fire, and neglected when you're loved the most, going backwards when you're heading forward. As a young child I used to love winter, but nowadays I've come to despise it and the way it makes me feel. It's as though blue doesn't want me to forget about it's part in my life and portion of my being. Winter is it's chance to remind me of it's place in my life, and it's hold over me.
Despite my feelings this time of year, I've come to realize that blue, both in color and feeling, are a part of me, a part of my life. Without it, would I still be myself? If blue had never been a part of me, I would have never moved home from college and met my handsome blue-eyed husband, or given birth to my two beautiful blue-eyed little girls. This winter is especially hard in Nate's absence and I'm finding it hard to choke my way through the icy blue tears that fall when I think of all of the things he is missing: first steps, first words, bedtime stories, and budding dreams of little girls who are missing their father.
At the end of the day, despite my desire to run to the yellow warmth of my house, I find that I both love and hate the blue in my life and realize that it's never leaving, that it will always be a part of me. It's everywhere I look these days. It's in the deep navy hue of my husband's uniform, our pale blue living room walls, the crisp winter sky, and the sparking winter snow at dusk. Being able to feel the blueness has helped me appreciate the warmth, the goodness in my life. It's when I look into the blue eyes of my daughters, that I am able to see the good that blue has brought me and that with all the pain and tears, it has truly given me something wonderful...after all, it IS my favorite color.
