Avery, my oldest will be turning three in January, although you'd never know it based on her stature. She's a petite little thing and is just now wearing 24 month/2T sizes, although I'm willing her into wearing 3T clothing. She is the funniest little kid, and always does such humorous things! Although funny, she has a surprisingly sweet side as well, which comes out of nowhere and shocks me at at times.
Being a "single mom" has truly been an adjustment. Just trying to go for walks with the girls is a challenge, and usually takes about 30 minutes just to get out of the house. The other day, I was horribly unkept and in desperate need of a shower, but decided to put on a hat and head out for a walk anyway (motivation is rare lately). Avery, looking up at me, smiled sweetly and said, "You look pretty mommy!" This was the first time she had said this to me, and I instantly melted. I knelt down and hugged her tightly, trying not to tear up at her kind words.
It's amazing that no matter how bad we think we look, or how bad we feel about ourselves, our children see the best in us and think we're "pretty" or tell us they love us. They don't notice whether we have our makeup on, if our clothing is ironed, or if we even coordinate our shoes with our handbags. They love us for who we are and how we love them, and tell us how beautiful we are when we ourselves can rarely see it. They see us purely, it would seem, and without judgement. I only wish I had the ability to see through her eyes, to view the world as beautiful and safe, to not notice the danger and sadness out there. Her sweetness that day really touched me and made me feel good about myself, even though I know my appearance was far from pretty. The funny thing is, it doesn't really matter what I think: it's what she thinks that really matters. Her view might be rosy, but I'll take it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Frenemies
Social networking sites are the "IT" thing these days and it seems that nearly everyone has a Facebook page. I myself am on Facebook and love being able to keep in touch with all of my "friends." It's hard to remember just how anyone in this world kept in touch before.
I enjoy being on Facebook as much as anyone else, but something about it bothers me too. I've found that I've obtained "friends" who really never were my friends in the first place. Some are people from high school who in the past hated me, people from work who barely talk to me, and others who merely know me from somewhere way back when. All of these people have one thing in common, that being that they are most likely "socially stalking" my life, rather than really being my friends. I don't think that the label "friend" should be used to classify someone who you allow access to view your life (because isn't it rude to deny them?) but maybe instead, another title far more appropriate (although I have no recommendations as to what that might be yet...I'll keep you posted :). One idea might be to categorize these "connections" into groups such as Acquaintances, Co-workers, True-friends, Family, and Frenemies.
Frenemies is a funny word you hear a lot. I kind of like the sound of it, actually. In truth, anyone can be a "Frenemy:" an individual who is a friend and enemy all rolled into one. I actually have many of these it seems. Of course, I am guilty first and foremost of allowing them to BE my "friend", but who can say no? I apparently cannot. I hesitate briefly, then click accept, letting them gain access to my life, my pictures, and everything I am up to even though I'd rather they not know. Why should they? If I were to pass these individuals on the street, they'd probably not even talk to me, and I can honestly say that I would never allow them to watch my children. And so, like spring cleaning, I've decided to clean out my closet of old, purging it of that which I do not want, and no longer need. Frenemies beware!
Relationships are pretty tricky. I have several really close friends whom I love dearly, and who all happen to live far away from me. It's funny though, that no matter what, we still maintain those relationships regardless of how often we all see each other. Relationships change as we go through life and as we ourselves change. Friendships I had in the past which I thought would exist into old age have since withered and died, even though the ghost of that relationship still stalks and haunts my Facebook page. Some people unknowingly admit to it when they say, "I saw your pictures!" but they never actually send you a message or comment on anything. Newsflash: that's stalking.
To my true friends who are reading this, you know who you are, and I cherish my relationship with each of you. You are my dear friends because you care about me and my life out of love, not curiosity. And so I choose to love you all back and thank each of you for being my true FRIENDS.
Driving without Directions
Any of my close friends who know me well can attest to the fact that I am someone who is extremely loyal, anally organized, a perfectionist, a control freak and someone who has a great sense of direction: I work hard to keep in touch, keep things in their place, do my best at everything, work hard at my job, and get where I need to go.
About a year or so ago, Nate decided that we needed a Tom Tom. I agreed although, in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't need it. I've always been someone who could find my way anywhere, noting the landmarks along the way...as long as I had driven it once, I could figure it out. I even have a road atlas, but never really use it. Who needs a Tom Tom??
Being the control freak that I am, I also hate being in the passenger seat. I enjoy driving and maintaining control over my journey, knowing I can head home when I need to. I decided to use the silly thing once after convincing myself that it might actually be useful, only to find that I was more confused than without it. Even though I KNEW the way, I found myself constantly checking it and second guessing myself and the route I was taking: I felt lost. This little electronic contraption caused me to doubt myself, to not trust in what I knew to be true. I have since refused to use it, citing irreconcilable differences.
This journey I am currently on is surely one without a road map, Tom Tom, or guiding light. There was no dress-rehearsal, no way to prepare, no itinerary provided. It's like driving blind in the dark without headlights, really. The sheer terror of not knowing what's out there is quite paralyzing. As a control freak, you can understand why this might be hard for me. I want to KNOW what to expect, what is heading my way, and how many rest-stops are along my route.
As with my Tom Tom experience, I'm realizing that I not only have to trust in myself, but to trust that things will work out. I have to let go of my obsessive need to control my circumstances, and allow myself the luxury of letting go and letting someone, or something else drive for once. This journey may be new, foreign, or even somewhat scary, but the landmarks are the same and I believe I'll get there eventually. I'm accepting the fact that it's okay to be more of a passenger, to see more of my surroundings and appreciate the journey, rather than always driving, focusing on the road ahead, and missing out on everything there is to see. And I'm okay with that....for now.
About a year or so ago, Nate decided that we needed a Tom Tom. I agreed although, in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't need it. I've always been someone who could find my way anywhere, noting the landmarks along the way...as long as I had driven it once, I could figure it out. I even have a road atlas, but never really use it. Who needs a Tom Tom??
Being the control freak that I am, I also hate being in the passenger seat. I enjoy driving and maintaining control over my journey, knowing I can head home when I need to. I decided to use the silly thing once after convincing myself that it might actually be useful, only to find that I was more confused than without it. Even though I KNEW the way, I found myself constantly checking it and second guessing myself and the route I was taking: I felt lost. This little electronic contraption caused me to doubt myself, to not trust in what I knew to be true. I have since refused to use it, citing irreconcilable differences.
This journey I am currently on is surely one without a road map, Tom Tom, or guiding light. There was no dress-rehearsal, no way to prepare, no itinerary provided. It's like driving blind in the dark without headlights, really. The sheer terror of not knowing what's out there is quite paralyzing. As a control freak, you can understand why this might be hard for me. I want to KNOW what to expect, what is heading my way, and how many rest-stops are along my route.
As with my Tom Tom experience, I'm realizing that I not only have to trust in myself, but to trust that things will work out. I have to let go of my obsessive need to control my circumstances, and allow myself the luxury of letting go and letting someone, or something else drive for once. This journey may be new, foreign, or even somewhat scary, but the landmarks are the same and I believe I'll get there eventually. I'm accepting the fact that it's okay to be more of a passenger, to see more of my surroundings and appreciate the journey, rather than always driving, focusing on the road ahead, and missing out on everything there is to see. And I'm okay with that....for now.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Peace like a River...
I've often heard the phrase, "Peace like a river" and wondered about it's meaning. I guess for me, I picture a river as being white-capped and turbulent, full of risk and peril. A River is something that you need a boat and life vest for, more like life. Life to me is turbulent: full of risks, dangers, turmoil, and uncertainty. You get up each day, don your life jacket, grab your paddles, and hope for the best. You may not know what lies ahead, but you sure hope that you find your way through it safely and in one piece.
In my mind, I imagine Peace to be like a desert. Although I've never been in a desert, I imagine it to be a vast empty land with nothing around: no distractions, no stress, nothing to do. Sometimes I'd like to having nothing to do, no responsibilities or duties, no rules or regulations. Sometimes I'd like to just walk for days to find water and not be on any kind of schedule. Maybe in this imaginary desert I could stumble across an oasis and have everything I need: solitude, water, clean air, and rest. It's at this oasis that I imagine napping and dreaming and achieving that peace that we all hope for.
Nate will soon be in a desert of his own, although far more real than my imaginary one. His will in fact be far more dangerous, more like a turbulent white-capped river. And so, while I imagine my peaceful desert, I pray for his perilous one and hope that he is embraced in safety and comfort, in strength and ultimately peace-of-mind in knowing that we are here at home, patiently waiting, loving him from afar, and anxiously awaiting his return home.
In my mind, I imagine Peace to be like a desert. Although I've never been in a desert, I imagine it to be a vast empty land with nothing around: no distractions, no stress, nothing to do. Sometimes I'd like to having nothing to do, no responsibilities or duties, no rules or regulations. Sometimes I'd like to just walk for days to find water and not be on any kind of schedule. Maybe in this imaginary desert I could stumble across an oasis and have everything I need: solitude, water, clean air, and rest. It's at this oasis that I imagine napping and dreaming and achieving that peace that we all hope for.
Nate will soon be in a desert of his own, although far more real than my imaginary one. His will in fact be far more dangerous, more like a turbulent white-capped river. And so, while I imagine my peaceful desert, I pray for his perilous one and hope that he is embraced in safety and comfort, in strength and ultimately peace-of-mind in knowing that we are here at home, patiently waiting, loving him from afar, and anxiously awaiting his return home.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Changes
Life is full of constant changes. My biggest change is of course, the absence of my husband Nate. With change comes adaptation as well. When something changes we adapt to continue functioning as we otherwise would. Those responsibilities and tasks that he fulfilled while home are now mine (in addition to my already existing ones:) Let's just say that the trash doesn't put itself out. Being ultimately responsible for things can be overwhelming, but there's also comfort knowing that you'll know things will get done....and if not, it can wait until tomorrow.
My two little girls are constantly changing. Avery, who is two is the "big sis" and always has something to say...Ainsley is nine months old and started crawling the day Nate left. Both girls are really happy little kids who bring me lots of joy, a little frustration, and lots of laughs. My biggest fear when Nate left was how this would affect Avery who is a "daddy's girl." I worried that she would cry frequently, asking where he was. So far she has amazed me: she asks where he is sometimes and when I tell her, she simply says, "okay." We did of course come up with a few tool to help the girls deal with his absence. I purchased a Hallmark recordable book and Avery gained a new friend in the form of a Build-a-Bear dog named "Sailor" which both have Nate's voice recorded.
I personally keep busy with work and my tasks at home. You see, I am a "list person." I love being able to mark off the things I accomplish and in a sense, don't have to worry about any longer. The list however, only helps to keep me busy, distracting me from the underlying loneliness that I feel when I am by myself or experiencing a moment of desperation when the girls are in "hooligan mode" and I am unable to say, "here, you take the kids." I am realizing though, that it's important to not let my lists run my life. I am learning to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and that I should enjoy the moment and let the laundry and the dishes wait until tomorrow.
In the midst of change, it seems as though it's those things that are familiar which help to keep us grounded: a routine, a task, a list of things to do, or a familiar voice in a storybook at bedtime. I know the year ahead may be rough but I have high hopes for the three of us and know that yes, change really can be a good thing.
My two little girls are constantly changing. Avery, who is two is the "big sis" and always has something to say...Ainsley is nine months old and started crawling the day Nate left. Both girls are really happy little kids who bring me lots of joy, a little frustration, and lots of laughs. My biggest fear when Nate left was how this would affect Avery who is a "daddy's girl." I worried that she would cry frequently, asking where he was. So far she has amazed me: she asks where he is sometimes and when I tell her, she simply says, "okay." We did of course come up with a few tool to help the girls deal with his absence. I purchased a Hallmark recordable book and Avery gained a new friend in the form of a Build-a-Bear dog named "Sailor" which both have Nate's voice recorded.
I personally keep busy with work and my tasks at home. You see, I am a "list person." I love being able to mark off the things I accomplish and in a sense, don't have to worry about any longer. The list however, only helps to keep me busy, distracting me from the underlying loneliness that I feel when I am by myself or experiencing a moment of desperation when the girls are in "hooligan mode" and I am unable to say, "here, you take the kids." I am realizing though, that it's important to not let my lists run my life. I am learning to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and that I should enjoy the moment and let the laundry and the dishes wait until tomorrow.
In the midst of change, it seems as though it's those things that are familiar which help to keep us grounded: a routine, a task, a list of things to do, or a familiar voice in a storybook at bedtime. I know the year ahead may be rough but I have high hopes for the three of us and know that yes, change really can be a good thing.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Welcome to my...blog
So, I've never really been keen on the whole BLOG thing. I always thought it was a bit odd how people could just pour out their heart and soul and share it with everyone. I recently had a change of heart...
As a wife and mother of two I am constantly busy with the daily challenges that fall in my lap, the current one (and biggest) being the deployment of my husband, who is in the Navy. Our daughters, who are 2 1/2 and 9months keep me on my toes when I'm not at my full time job as an RN. Being suddenly thrust into a life of single parenthood, I realized that I really needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, since my husband isn't around to hear me. So, over the next year (and, maybe beyond that) I am going to be blogging with the rest of 'em, and hopefully find some comfort in being able to express myself a little. To those of you following this, I thank you and hope you enjoy it :)
Emily
As a wife and mother of two I am constantly busy with the daily challenges that fall in my lap, the current one (and biggest) being the deployment of my husband, who is in the Navy. Our daughters, who are 2 1/2 and 9months keep me on my toes when I'm not at my full time job as an RN. Being suddenly thrust into a life of single parenthood, I realized that I really needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, since my husband isn't around to hear me. So, over the next year (and, maybe beyond that) I am going to be blogging with the rest of 'em, and hopefully find some comfort in being able to express myself a little. To those of you following this, I thank you and hope you enjoy it :)
Emily
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)