Changes

Life is full of constant changes. My biggest change is of course, the absence of my husband Nate. With change comes adaptation as well. When something changes we adapt to continue functioning as we otherwise would. Those responsibilities and tasks that he fulfilled while home are now mine (in addition to my already existing ones:) Let's just say that the trash doesn't put itself out. Being ultimately responsible for things can be overwhelming, but there's also comfort knowing that you'll know things will get done....and if not, it can wait until tomorrow.
My two little girls are constantly changing. Avery, who is two is the "big sis" and always has something to say...Ainsley is nine months old and started crawling the day Nate left. Both girls are really happy little kids who bring me lots of joy, a little frustration, and lots of laughs. My biggest fear when Nate left was how this would affect Avery who is a "daddy's girl." I worried that she would cry frequently, asking where he was. So far she has amazed me: she asks where he is sometimes and when I tell her, she simply says, "okay." We did of course come up with a few tool to help the girls deal with his absence. I purchased a Hallmark recordable book and Avery gained a new friend in the form of a Build-a-Bear dog named "Sailor" which both have Nate's voice recorded.
 I personally keep busy with work and my tasks at home. You see, I am a "list person." I love being able to mark off the things I accomplish and in a sense, don't have to worry about any longer. The list however, only helps to keep me busy, distracting me from the underlying loneliness that I feel when I am by myself or experiencing a moment of desperation when the girls are in "hooligan mode" and I am unable to say, "here, you take the kids." I am realizing though, that it's important to not let my lists run my life. I am learning to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and that I should enjoy the moment and let the laundry and the dishes wait until tomorrow.
 In the midst of change, it seems as though it's those things that are familiar which help to keep us grounded: a routine, a task, a list of things to do, or a familiar voice in a storybook at bedtime. I know the year ahead may be rough but I have high hopes for the three of us and know that yes, change really can be a good thing.