It shouldn't be a surprise, or much of a big deal, really. We knew it might happen, and even expected it, but that small, simple white envelope makes it official, makes it real. That single piece of mail has an enormous impact, and can't be ignored, or placed aside as if it's nothing. Inside were Nate's orders from the US Navy informing of his upcoming deployment.
Being a military family, whether reserve or full time enlisted, means that deployments are to be expected. Even so, it's never something you're looking forward to, especially when you have a family. You never stop worrying about your spouse or family member and the dangers they might face. You just don't show it. You can't let your fear consume you, because it can if you let it.
I think Nate worries more about me having to handle everything at home while he's gone, probably more than I do. He feels the need to prep and fix everything he possibly can, ahead of time, as if he were here all along, and so I won't have to. He wants to be present as much as he can, without physically being here. He wants to be able to fix the toilet, jump start the car, and take out the trash, all while being half way around the world. He wants all this because he loves me. Because he wants to make it okay for me.
In all honesty, I don't worry about myself at all. I worry about him of course, and I worry about the girls. I may feel a wide array or emotions, but I can't let it show. I can't dwell on the "what if's." It's not just to protect myself, but my girls. This deployment, I know, will be different because the girls are all older, which means more awareness, more questions, and more memories of it.
I choose to hide those feelings, knowing that my girls are a reflection of me and the emotions I display. If I worry, they'll worry. If I am stressed, they will most likely feel that stress and react accordingly. I don't want them growing up in fear, or constant worry. I want them to have faith, and trust that everything will be okay. Even though I'm hoping to suppress any feelings I might have, I'm afraid they'll see though me and sense my fears. I'm afraid to fail at being strong for them.
Despite everything, I'm incredibly proud of Nate's Navy service and humbled by the love, support, and gratitude given to us, not only from people we know, but complete strangers as well. I have a great appreciation of all military personnel and their families, having shared common experiences; because they too have received that same small package, containing the same big important information. That small package may bring fear along with it, but I truly believe that faith and trust in God, and the love of our family and friends, can help us overcome anything...
